“The number one reason people’s needs are not met is unclear requests.”
– Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
I’m working on being a better listener and communicator. One of my favorite books to help me do this is, “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships,” by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.
From the NVC website: Nonviolent Communication shows us how to have healthy relationships through openly and honestly communicating our observations, feelings, needs and requests. This book can help us move past dysfunctional communication habits we learned growing up including guilt tripping, being passive aggressive, blaming, labelling and judging others as good or bad.
Here’s more about Dr. Rosenberg’s work in his own words:
“Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.”
“My theory is that we get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’re not getting what we want because we have never been taught to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we’re going to be one of those good things, better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being “good.” But, if you want to feel better, I’d like you to clarify what you would like people to do to make life more wonderful for you.”
Some examples of dysfunctional communication habits:
“Advising: “I think you should … “How come you didn’t … ?” One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.” Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just … “ Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.” Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time … “
Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.” Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing … “
Interrogating: “When did this begin?” Explaining: “I would have called but … “
Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”
